This post will be updated throughout the show, usually during commercial breaks. Keep refreshing, kids! (Also, all timestamps are EST)
8:06 – Of all the performances, Perry is most excited to see Hedley. “I love that song, ‘Perfect.'” The fact that I thought she misspoke and meant the Simple Plan song of the same name should say something about the state of CanCon Pop-Punk.
8:08 – Really hoping that someone punches Perez Hilton in the face again this year.
8:09 – The next arrival is Adam Lambert, but the sound’s cut out so there aren’t any VJs to get excited about him. Given this – and the fact that his face looks like rubber in close-up – I think he said his Saddam-esque decoy.
8:10 – Devon just found a mic, letting us discover that Adam Lambert’s decoy sounds impressively like Adam Lambert.
8:11 – Seriously though…someone punch Perez Hilton in the face.
8:14 – Oh yeah, awards. Normally, you can tell who’s going to win International Video of the Year, Group based on who’s actually at the show; it’s basically a “thanks for coming to Toronto!” award. But hey, why miss a chance to once again shamelessly support the Jonas Brothers (last year’s hosts)? Joe sends a video greeting from Africa.
8:17 – Drake and Justin Bieber arrive in the same limo. Too cute. “Are you trying to kill people here?” asks Sarah. “I guess,” says Justin. There you have it, folks: Homicidal Bieber.
8:24 – John McCain’s BFF Snooki and her Jersey Shore counterpart Pauly D arrives. I didn’t realize that she’s been trying to make Old People Giant Sunglasses work for her. Unfortunate.
8:25 – Pauly D leads the crowd in “fist pumping.” Which doesn’t actually involve making a fist. Huh.
8:28 – I think this Blake guy may be wearing the exact same sunglasses as Snooki.
8:31 – Every year, I recognize less and less of these so-called “celebrities.” I’m most okay with this.
8:32 – A quick shot of Faber Drive, who I must say I’m moderately fascinated by – mostly, it’s that they released their first album as a pop-punk band when pop-punk was big, and then completely morphed into a synth-pop band now that synth-pop is big, and NO ONE AT MUCHMUSIC SEEMS TO NOTICE.
8:34 – I hate good car commercials like this one for the Ford Fiesta because I get annoyed that such cool work is going into selling cars. At least this one I can dismiss as a blatant Michel Gondry ripoff (though a decent one).
8:36 – Stereos are the worst.
8:37 – I just remembered that Perez Hilton is there. Stereos are the second-worst.
8:38 – 3Oh!3 are the third worst. You’d think I’d consider Cobra Starship also part of the worst train, but SURPRISE – “Good Girls Go Bad” was pretty awesome.
8:45 – K’naan takes the award for most-watched video on Muchmusic.com; funny that one of the few awards not subject to Much’s shameless fame-whoring goes to someone awesome. #NotActuallyFunnyJustSad
8:49 – I want to like Lights a lot more than I actually do.
8:52 – Oh fuck, ACOUSTIC Stereos. Maybe they are the worst.
8:53 – Do Stereos actually exist outside of the MuchMusic universe? I’m unconvinced.
8:59 – And heeeeeere we go…
9:00 – Miley Cyrus opens the show, and…YES! PARTY IN THE USA!!! Never mind that she can’t sing, this song is still awesome. Although I’m pretty sure she’s going to switch to her back-to-awful new single any second now.
9:02 – I was just thinking to myself ,” Wouldn’t it be funny if one of those kids on the bikes were Justin Bieber?” And then BAM. IT HAPPENS. I can only expect the two hours that follows to also appease my every whim.
9:04 – Immediately switching to Down with Webster. I don’t mind these kids, but I feel like they could be a far more interesting band then they’re content to be. Then again, maybe there’s a reason why few have combined hip hop/pop punk before…
9:08 – Intro video. RUN BOY SCOUTS RUN.
9:10 – Emily Osment looks exactly like the result of her brother Haley Joel having a love child with Carrie Underwood.
9:13 – Why do I think that Bieber’s influence on Yankees fashion isn’t going to be as significant as Jay-Z’s? He wins the first award of the night. I didn’t even catch what it is. Clearly, didn’t matter.
9:14 – Hey, remember Bedouin Soundclash? Someone at Much does! There they are!
9:18 – This “blue smarties” thing is such crap. Give me all the good colours, all the time. Why should I have to play by your “old media” rules, Smarties? Stupidest thing since the Disney Vault. *shakes fist.
9:20 – I take issue with the claim that Miley Cyrus is “the most famous teenager in the world.” That is UNSUBSTANTIATED.
9:21 – “Whataya Want From Me” is actually a pretty great power ballad, so thumbs up to this Adam Lambert performance.
9:25 – Gabe from Cobra Starship is wearing an NWA jean jacket. Fitting, considering that he’s presenting best hip hop video. It goes to Trey Songz and Drake. Only the latter is there. He gets screamed at.
9:28 – I wasn’t aware that JLS have gotten the Jay-Z endorsement. Cheeky Brits.
9:31 – Why is Zac Efron playing catch with ghosts? (Commercial)
9:35 – Okay, guilty pleasure admittance: I kind of dig Marianas Trench. They’re nothing special, but they’ve got a ridiculously good sense of melody and a really great set of pop songs. If they didn’t have that awful ballad a while back, they’d have a pretty impressive slate of singles.
9:40 – Pauly D from Jersey Shore takes off his shirt. THE ORANGE IT BURNS.
9:43 – Not sure what’s worse – the shameless Twitter plug from Faber Drive, or Karl Wolf yelling that he’s going to bring the 80s back. Like the 80s need HIS help.
9:50 – Crowd chants “take off your shirt!” to second-string Twilight actor. New low reached. Award is for fave new artist; goes to Justin Bieber. He says nothing of note. This show is getting boring even by my ironic standards.
9:53 – Fun fact: five years ago, Arcade Fire performed on this show.
9:53 – Snooki’s bottle of water could beat up your bottle of water. Hilariously, she says nothing – she just sprays the crowd, and we go to the Ke$ha performance.
9:54 – I always find it strange when artists perform old singles on these shows…like, hasn’t anyone heard “Tik Tok” enough by now? Why wouldn’t she play “Your Love is My Drug”? (I mean, both are insufferable, but the latter has the better chorus, and it’s the one she’s trying to sell right now.)
9:57 – That Jesus Christ pose was a bit strange…
9:59 – Hedley performs. I have no idea why all these pop punk groups feel the need to write ballads. They’re always so much more mediocre than their normal bread and butter.
10:03 – Jen Bond answers my question: “So they have something to play at the end of Grade 8 dances, obvs.”
10:08 – Katy Perry performing her awful new single, “California Gurls,” which pretty much sucks out everything I once appreciated about her shameless pop and leaves only a wasteland. I wonder what NWA circa 1987 would think of this song…
10:13 – Lest you think the “awards” mean anything, they give out Video of the Year with almost an hour left in the show. Hedley win for “Perfect” which, technically, isn’t a bad little video, I suppose. Still yaaaawn.
10:20 – Jonathan Toews is there with Miley Cyrus, who can’t read her cue cards. Things get worse as Drake doesn’t have a mic working properly. Soooo…we get RANDOM CROWD SHOTS.
10:24 – Still stalling. I feel like I just walked into the bathroom without knocking and found the MMVAs still on the toilet. So awkward.
10:25 – Sarah awkwardly tries to stall. “What an interesting and AMAZING year!” She tries so hard.
10:26 – “Let’s just…umm…give away an award!” Best International Video, Artist, it seems. THIS one fits the pattern I mentioned earlier and goes to someone who’s actually there – the co-host, Miley Cyrus, no less.
10:30 – These Virgin “backstage” segments are great because they cut off so suddenly. I really didn’t want to hear full thoughts anyways.
10:33 – Whatever was keeping Drake from performing before is now fixed, so he launches into “Over” on the outside stage. This isn’t my favourite of his songs, but there’s a great frantic energy to his verses; they’re just a bit off-kilter.
10:38 – And straight to Bieber. The star? That light show on the stage.
10:40 – Bieber switches to “Baby.” He’s THIS close to having to drop the song another semi-tone. Gotta be hard to have a pop career when you voice is still plummeting.
10:43 – Oh, NOW Snooki gets to speak. She is SO SHORT. Or Sarah is a giant. Or both. Adam Lambert wins the fan-voted International Video award, which is actually kind of surprising considering his competition. I’m going to guess his fanbase was more organized.
10:50 – I still don’t know any of these celebrities.
10:52 – Justin Bieber wins his third MMVA of the night for “UR Fav Video.” He is repping Stratford for reals.
10:53 – More second-string Twilight stars! They make a bad joke about Taylor Lautner’s fake underwear and almost causes a riot. Flirting with disaster.
10:54 – Now Miley’s out to close the show. “Can’t Be Tamed” is just a strange song; not musically, but conceptually. What is she trying to do here? Who’s the audience for this song? Why?
10:57 – It’s hard watching someone take their awkward first steps towards irrelevance.
10:59 – Then again, it’s also hard watching a television network continue its awkward steps towards further irrelevance. And with that…we’re out!